"i've wanted to tell you for a while now.
i wanted to say it as you reached for a tea cup in your kitchen that night after we fought about 'why-do-we-always-have-to-eat-chinese-fo
i wanted to say it as the moonlight shone on you as you slept in your bed the first time we made love there...
when i felt your heart racing against my chest in your suite foyer in spain when you first saw your roses even though i wasn't there...
but mostly, i wanted to say it the last night i saw you,
as i held you in my arms;
looking down at your precious face,
knowingly looking up at me,
still inside you.
quiet,
motionless
but so inside you.
i wanted so badly to tell you that...
the words, each time, graced my lips like an impostor,
only to fall away like some great blizzard that was taken out to sea to rain its fury on the dark ocean,
alone,
unbeknownst to any hearing.
i pray that you can hear them for what they are,
feel them for what they are,
and not mar them with the knowledge that they stand apart from your ability to reciprocate them...
please take them in your heart and feel them with your eyes closed and your soul open...
for just a moment,
my voice speaking them softly in your ear with a kiss...
when you smile,
when your head lightly moves to dance,
when your tongue finds my lips,
when you ramble over a glass of wine,
when you sit naked after we've made love,
when you act boldly,
when you laugh,
when you squeeze my hand,
when you call my name in a gruff whisper,
when your heart races on my chest in a close embrace,
when you love me...
what i'm sad about is selfish.
i'm sad at god's timing.
i am only a man.
and as a man, i miss you.
i miss you terribly.
i miss your kiss.
i miss your smile,
oh, how i miss your smile.
but most of all i miss the moment that hasn't happened yet.
the moment when you let yourself fall for me.
what makes it hard for me is knowing how much you care for me.
how much, in a way, you do love me.
how much you would enjoy smiling wryly as you hurled yourself backwards off the cliff
and said, 'catch me baby.'
if i didn't know that i could make you a villain,
me a victim and sooth myself.
but i can't because it isn't the truth.
the truth, we both know...
the truth is...
not today...
i know that you're not leaving philippe for me,
and i wouldn't want you to.
i would want you to leave him for you.
i also know you would never fly a million miles just to see me smile at you.
someday maybe, but not today.
so i guess i better disappear, sarah.
i know you'll be okay,
and soon i will be too.
and maybe, just maybe, if god so desires,
a day will come when,
as friends, we will find ourselves accidentally strolling along the white cliffs of dover,
or the mountain rocks of mendocino,
or the bonnie, emerald north of the scottish seaboard
or the glistening harbor of old new york...
and from the heights,
in the stars,
amongst the angels whose arms will cradle us,
in a moment neither of us was told about but knew like our oldest happiness,
we will look into each other's eyes and know...
it is today.
it is today.
and whether that day is tomorrow,
or next week,
or next year,
or next lifetime...
i will finally get to tell you to your sweet face;
the face i will miss more than i could ever tell, that...
i love you.
and you'll smile wryly,
close your eyes,
say 'catch me baby,'
and fall."
to the celebration of all slain hope
It's the very end of the movie, "Fall" by Eric Schaeffer (1997).
No copyright infringement intended.
Song heard is Amanda Kravat - Green (You Can't Touch Me)
